Discipline is an important element in child behavior that a child must start learning as soon as s/he starts doing some of his/her things on his/her own. This on average starts between 2 to 2 and a half years. The child starts feeling some independence with ability to move around on his own. Some parents feel that a toddler at age of 2 is too young to teach discipline and should be allowed freedom. They probably need to fully understand the term discipline as discipline is not that you treat a child in rigid manner. It rather is teaching your toddler a life style that can guide him/her a balanced, structured, satisfied and yet a flexible life style. The word disciplines originated from a Latin word disciple that means teaching. It therefore means you start teaching your child the difference between acceptable and unacceptable behaviors early so this becomes part of his/her behavior which s/he can then consistently follow. We need to understand that habits are usually develop at early age and then remain part of our behaviors for our entire lives. The changes at later stage are possible but only with those who realize the need for change and make a conscious effort and experience and evidence shows that adaptation at later stages gets more difficult. Therefore, as parents we need to understand discipline as a quality life standard and socially acceptable ethical behavior which can be taught in a friendly environment with positive reinforcement. It is important for us to come out of this misconception that discipline means rigid routine which can only be taught through force and punishment.

Hurdles to Discipline

Hurdles that you need to be aware of which sometimes parents face intentionally or unintentionally.

Feeling Guilty

Some parents find teaching discipline difficult as they feel guilt for some reason. It could be a working mom who feels that she is not able to pay full attention to her child. It could be single parent who is unable to do this due to a feeling that child is already missing one parent. Some are raised in a tough environment themselves so they feel that they should provide an easy space to their children. It could be more of such factors where parents for some reason feel guilty and unable to distinguish discipline as a healthy way of life rather than a rigid routine.

Pointing out or criticizing everything

Some parents take an extreme side of not sparing a single moment of their child. They like to guide each and everything, intervene even if a small thing goes wrong and has a habit of pointing out each and every piece of action that a child performs. They feel with this they can help child grow up better without realizing that it bothers toddlers too much and they start treating it a background noise which they learn to ignore and keep on doing what they like to do. Toddlers feel that their parents object all they do and obviously they can’t quit all of their adventure.

Over reaction to small incidents

Keep your big reaction saved for something really big. Your over reaction even to small incidents confuse child as they wonder if such fuss really worth some biscuit crumbs on the floor. This leads to develop a regular sense about your reaction. They would feel that your anger would be same whether they break a cup accidently, fight with a child in the park or put a scratch on your car. You need to save your strong reaction for big things to help their learning in the longer run.  This can also stress you and misguide your child as s/he may be doing 80% of things in right manner but so much reaction to minor 20% may guide him/her to become negative and s/he may start doing more wrong just being disturbed and revengeful.

How can we teach discipline?

What should be our approach – strict, permissive or balanced?

We need to ask ourselves whether we believe in strictness, permissiveness or a balanced combination approach with mix of both. The balance certainly is the best as taking extreme side in both directions will lead to some negative consequences. The children under strict environment may behave well in front of their parents but can be rebellion in their absence. They may also feel afraid of sharing their challenges with their parents and get exposed to more problems. The worst could be leaving house on having an opportunity to do so.

Similarly the permissiveness with full freedom to do whatever and be independent also leaves a child at risk of more dangers. They learn through observation and guidance. The guidance on good and bad helps guide child’s behavior and this is parents’ foremost and important responsibility. Who else can guide and discipline if they themselves are not willing to.

We need to therefore strike a balance allowing children freedom, independence and learning through mistakes sometimes where we should be able to guide them the good and bad logically and adopt strictness only to handle extreme situations. This approach yields positive outcome with very little requirement of punishment or strictness.

The following can set base of moderate or balanced approach.

1. Communicate at their level

Communication gap exist at almost all ages and relations i.e., between wife and husband, older parents and grown up children, office colleagues, boss and subordinates etc. When this can’t be avoided with adults where there are more chances of a message to be communicated effectively then how come this be avoided with little toddlers rather the likelihood is higher in this case. They certainly find understanding your message difficult unless you learn to communicate with them being at their level and in their language.

Communication is both verbal and nonverbal with research confirming nonverbal communication to play a greater role while we are conveying our message. Your posture, eye contact and voice tone impacts more than the words you use. It is essential in communication with everyone and is equally important for your communication with your toddler. It means sitting down bending your knees to the level of your toddler while maintaining an eye contact to get their full attention and to give your full attention with an effective but friendly voice tone conveys an expectation that you want them to listen to you attentively but in a friendly and caring manner. The same message can be communicated while standing up where your toddler is just at your knee level with no eye contact may communicate to him that this conversation is not so important and they can choose to listen or ignore it. Similarly, this can also be conveyed with you sitting on a sofa holding your child’s arms with him/her standing in front of you. You are able to maintain good eye contact, can have effective voice tone but giving a message of intimidation where s/he may feel insulted. Therefore being on your knees conveys a completely different message with him feeling important and looked upon with care so would be more encouraged to listen and follow. Be careful with selection of your words as well because your toddler’s vocabulary is very limited and s/he yet could be confuse with meanings of some commonly used words which have dual meanings some times when said in a different voice tone.

2. Establish Structure and Set Routine

Structure and routine doesn’t make life boring. If that had been the case then Allah wouldn’t have created the universe in a structured manner with set routine of all the natural elements e.g., sunrise and the sunset, change in weathers or yield time of different crops etc. In Allah’s creation everything is structured to teach us that structure and routine are not part of life rather a way of life and it helps to use time more efficiently. With structured life we are not only able to achieve more but also get sufficient time to relax, have fun and enjoy our lives. We therefore need to establish a structure and set routine in our lives so our children learn this from the beginning and adapt to it as a healthy life style. You can allow some flexibility but that too should be in a structured manner e.g., going to bed little late over the weekend so family can enjoy a movie or dinner outside home.

3. Be Consistent

Mom and dad are different individuals and their inspiration in lives could be different. Their attitudes towards life could also be different. However in a family, they need to set family rules with agreement from both. It is important so children don’t get confuse with varying expectations of each parent. They need to understand clearly and consistently the acceptable and unacceptable from both parents in a same consistent manner. Varying message not only confuse them but may also make them feel bad towards one or both parents and get unmanageable.

4. Encourage Good Behavior through Reward

Discipline in not one time lesson but a consistent approach to guide your child’s to adopt and follow good habits. It is therefore important that they should be able to distinguish acceptable and unacceptable little further than just being told to do or not to do something. The good behavior can be rewarded to encourage child adopt that. This can help child see that adopting good behaviors leads to a positive outcome. This develops an ethical sense gradually where s/he can see that doing good ends good and s/he feels happy to adopt such behavior.

Reward can be something material e.g., a toy, meal at a favorite restaurant, visit to amusement park etc., or something emotional e.g., appreciation and acknowledgement, a big hug, a favorite game together etc. You can mix both to communicate your child that both are valuable in some or the other way so s/he shouldn’t feel that reward is a just a pat at the back or a toy always but a good mix to help him/her understand the rewards in larger scenario of life as well.

5. Discourage Bad Behavior but not Necessarily through Punishment

We must discourage bad behavior but not necessarily through punishment. Punishment doesn’t work in same manner as reward does. The reward can lead to positive outcome but punishment may lead to more aggression. Remember at this age, mistakes are unintentional so correcting them through punishment can lead to negative sentiments as for toddlers nothing is good or bad until they develop a clear understanding of the two. Therefore punishment means not more than a bad treatment as they forget their mistakes as well as the punishment soon. However consistent punishment can leave strong negative sentiments in their little minds with a feeling of not being loved or liked by their parents.

The bad behavior can better be discouraged by explaining child why this is bad at a first place and how the consequences of this can be bad for him/her or others around him/her. You need to be patient though while your child would be learning whilst making mistakes because this self-learning of bad leading to bad produces much better results rather. Mistakes should however be small and tolerable. It doesn’t mean that we leave them exposed to some safety or other risks.